It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

Today we learned about the Humanist approach to therapy and person-centered focus, and despite the fact that Carl Rogers just looks like Junior Soprano which was REALLY distracting, I found the entire thing fascinating.



I really like this comic from the Australian illustrator Leunig. Because really, this is what I do. My experiences and traumas and feelings and issues and whatever else is what made me go to Vienna. It's what made me leave behind a country I didn't fit in to. It sent me to Australia and then, when I felt I had to get out, it sent me on a worldwide trip which saw me make another move less than six months later. Acknowledging these experiences and feelings and whatever else has always, I think, been something I've been good at. It's always been something I have used. So even with as many anxiety issues as I have, I can still do the things I do.

Feel the fear. Do it anyway.

That is not to say I am better than anyone else, nor is it to say that everyone should or could do this; not at all. Some people can't feel the fear and do it anyway, and that is not their fault. Everyone is different. Still, it's a strength I am suddenly seeing in myself, and eventually I hope to help other people acknowledge their own strengths and help them to walk their own paths.

Sure, it sounds wanky and cliche, but I really can't wait.

♥

As my dear friend goes to work at Disneyland in Paris, I sit here (at far too early in the morning) and contemplate the occasionally all to hard to see beauty of today's world.

I live with two of my favourite people in the entire world, whom I never would have met without the internet (and the same goes for them!). I travelled to Europe last year and I got to see Lisa, Clare and Jess, all of whom are internet friends and all of whom I adore. They made my time in London so much more special than it would have been otherwise. I have lived in two countries I never would have lived in, were it not for the internet (still would have lived in Austria, that was through school, but Australia and New Zealand are different stories).

To all my dear friends I met through this wonderfully weird web, I adore you. So many people talk about the good old days and they say they want to live in yesterday's world because it was easier and maybe that's true. I'm still so glad to live in this one.

Today was the all Melbourne campus ACU Christmas party, and it was quite lovely. Lisa came in today which was awesome because she's been off work for several weeks because she put her back out, poor thing. And I've missed her! When she got there, she gave me a big (careful) hug and told me congratulations for getting in to the University of Canterbury and it made me think about a lot of things. Especially since today was the Christmas party and it'll be the last one I go to, and that's...hard.

I love the people I work with. They are exceptional. There are times, as there are in any job, that circumstances drive me crazy, but I feel I'm unbelievably blessed to work with the people I do despite the insanity that occasionally happens around us. I know that if I have a bad day or if I'm upset, there is always someone to hug me if I want to be hugged. There is always someone to talk to, and always someone who will listen. And that's pretty gosh darn precious.

A few months ago, Lisa and I were alone in the office in the morning, as we so often are. I think she had just heard I was applying for the social work degree in Christchurch. And she looked over at me and she said, "you know, Lara, you say you're afraid of a lot of things, but then you go and do things a lot of people couldn't do, and that's pretty impressive" To be honest, I never thought that my 2009 trek across Europe was all that brave. But it was pointed out to me on numerous occasions (once by my mommy!) that most people wouldn't just head off to mostly unfamiliar countries on their own. And they have a point, I suppose. I had never travelled on my own before, to that extent. I booked the hotels and got myself from the airports to the hotels, I booked a train from Edinburgh to London, and I arranged my own sightseeing. Though in London, I had my wonderful tour guides! But still, I did do a lot of it myself and that never seemed extraordinary to me because it's not me I am afraid of. When I'm alone, I know I'm in control, and I'm pretty capable of taking care of myself. It's being around other people that I have trouble with, but Lisa pointed out that I do all these things I didn't even see, because I don't think of them as exceptional. To have it pointed out that you don't always let fear stand in your way when you have a fear of...like...everyone and everything and you feel like it rules you sometimes, that's pretty awesome. And the fact that she cared enough to mention it meant a lot.

And then today I remembered the entire reason I decided to go back to studying in the first place, was because of Lisa. She started a Bachelor of Theology at ACU in 2009, and she asked me for help with her essay because she was nervous. And I remember getting so excited about the idea of helping with an essay, that I knew there was something in it. And despite not helping at all because Lisa proved me right when I said she could not only do it, but do it exceptionally; it made me want to study too. I looked into doing courses at ACU as early as last March. And then came the 2009 trek, New Zealand, and inevitability, and I forgot about that completely in all the arrangements and decision-making.

With all going to plan, I'm going to be leaving this safe, warm, comfortable place in a month and change. And I don't know if it's completely obvious how hard it is. I go to work every day...you know...when I'm not sick, and I laugh. We can sit at a table and poke gummi lollies with pretzels ala Michael, or we can watch Cassie eat an entire bowl of just cream, and Michelle and I can giggle about silly things, and I feel comfortable with them. And that is saying a lot. Just this morning before Gracie headed off to mass, she mentioned that she checked the program and lunch wouldn't be served until 2 which meant that I should probably eat something before I went so I didn't get too hypoglycaemic. That was so utterly sweet. I care about these people. And it's not just that. Not only do they make me realise certain things about myself, they have contributed to changing my life. Even if it is, ironically, the change that will take me away from them.

I went back and read the entry I wrote after I had only worked there a week:

The people I work with are just....awesome. Beyond awesome. It's so FUN. I HAVE FUN AT WORK!! I don't hate getting up early in the morning to be there. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

I am utterly sappy and sentimental, and I know it. But these people deserve it. I have been lucky to work in EF&S for two and a half years, and if I could bring them all with me to NZ, I would. Instead, I will be glad for my time there, and I will be grateful for getting to have those people in my life. It often surprises me just how much we are changed by the people we meet and let into our lives. I think the impact here has been obvious, and I am eternally thankful.

Ghostbus=AWESOME! I can't compare it to the London one because they were so completely different, much to my pleased surprise. This one wasn't really a bus with a made up history, it was just a tour with stories and we got to get off and wander. I loved both the tours because the London one was HILARIOUS and fun, and this one was more about stories and history which I love too! I'll share the photos tomorrow (which are pretty mad, okay...), because I can't actually plug my computer in and still sit with it on the bed, and it takes alllll my battery to upload photos :D SO you get them tomorrow along with the photos of the coast and (hopefully) the gaol and Fitzwilliam Square. And anything else I decide to do on my last day in the UK. That's right. After that, I'm headed to the US to see the fam, and then to NZ to see my girls before I return to Melbourne.

You know what's been awesome?! Other than being assaulted by the crowds in Edinburgh, I have not ONCE felt a bout of my normal social anxiety here. I wasn't all weird when hanging out with Clare and Jess and Muz and Lisa, and I haven't flipped out about ANYTHING (in a bad way OMGOMGYAYTHEBRIDGEOMG does not count...). Except not finding my hotel, but that lasted 4 seconds because I am fairly resourceful and decided to find a taxi. Good plan. It's been awesome. I'm forgetting I HAVE issues, which probably won't be so great when they come back but right now? I'm not going to knock it! I go right up to people, I talk to them, I don't hate it when they talk to me... I think there's just something about the UK that agrees with me. And I love it.